BIGFOOT ATTACKS CAMPERS! Ape Man runs off with bestselling novel!

Fort Bragg, CA — Residents near this northern California town were stunned to hear the tale of four young campers who had been hiking in the nearby redwood forest.  About 12 miles east of town, they had settled in for the evening, playing guitars, reading and smoking a little medicinal marijuana, when they were attacked by a large hairy ape-like man who ransacked their camp.

“Yeah man,” said Derek Mendocino, one of the campers, “we were just chillin’ in the trees, you know, just hangin’ out, when this nasty dude came stompin’ out of the woods, running right at us.”

bf running“Ewwwww, like, yuck!” exclaimed Skye Tyler, Derek’s girlfriend. “He smelled like, you know, like a dog that rolled in his own diarrhea, or something, you know, NASTY!”

“Dude was howlin’ like a banshee, man,” said Malcolm Nighthawk, their native American friend. “Definitely was a sasquatch — one of our ancient brothers.”

“I said … Whoa!  Dude!  Like slow down, man!” said Derek, explaining his interaction with the man beast. “I was so stunned, I swallowed my blunt!”

“He ripped up my tent and stole the novel I was reading right out of my hands!” cried Penelope Douglas, an aspiring young actress and student at UCLA. “It was my special hard cover first edition of The Cursed Man by Keith Rommel.  There are only 500 of these, you know. It’s going to be a movie with Brahm Gallagher!”

“Ahhh Brahm — he’s dreamy,” said Skye. Fortunately, she was able to snap a photo of the creature with her iPhone as it was running off with the novel.

According to Sunbury Press publisher Lawrence Knorr, the beast was estimated at ninety inches tall.

Close up of the Bigfoot near Fort Bragg California that stole a novel.

Close up of the Bigfoot near Fort Bragg California that stole a novel.

“The special edition Keith Rommel The Cursed Man is a hardcover with dust jacket six by nine inches. Comparing the book’s length to the height of the beast, it is likely about ten books tall, fully erect. That would put him at close to ninety inches — over eight feet tall!”

Knorr was kind enough to offer the young lady another copy and invited her to the Sunbury Press 10th anniversary party in Mechanicsburg, PA on September 5th at 6 PM. “Keith Rommel and Brahm will both be there to sign books,” said Knorr. “We’ll be sure to replace the young lady’s copy.”

The question that remains is why did the beast attack? And why on earth did he steal a copy of The Cursed Man by Keith Rommel when he could have nabbed food or more practical items.

According to George Grossfuss of the Bigfoot Research Center in Yakima, Washington, this was not the only instance of literary theft by these large simians.

“In 2005, a women had her copy of The DaVinci Code snapped up from her picnic blanket while camping in southern Idaho.  More recently, all three volumes of the Fifty Shades of Gray series were grabbed off of a back porch near Mokelumne Hill, California.”

Oddly enough, all were bestselling books about to become movies!

“The MO has been the same in all reports,” offered Grossfuss. “Squatch uncharacteristically makes a lot of noise and charges the site, tears up stuff, scares people, but then runs off with the bestsellers.”

“Thankfully they still like print books,” said Knorr. “I can’t imagine what they would do with a Kindle!”

NOSTRADAMUS PREDICTED CURSED MAN SUCCESS

cursed nostradamusPARIS — An obscure quatrain by the great seer Michel de Nostradame, aka Nostradamus, had been a mystery to researchers for hundreds of years. With the recent rise in popularity of Keith Rommel’s psycho-thrillers, including “The Cursed Man,” which is presently being made into a movie in Hollywood, the meaning of the ever-puzzling 653rd quatrain now comes to light:

A great book by the scion of the House of the Dry Fox
All will marvel at its clever plot and suspenseful narrative
A son of Germany, he will rise in the new land
Though cursed, many will flock to hear his tale

KING KONG WANTS HIS SPECIAL EDITION BOOKS SIGNED!

"Blimey! I know this is him! I see the posters and -- whoah Mary Queen of Scots! The bloke has a Cursed Man curtain ... now where are those .... schaaaaawinnnnggg! Why I never! She is one hot little number!" said Kong. "Screw the damn books -- I want her!"

“Blimey! I know this is him! I see the posters and — whoah Mary Queen of Scots! The bloke has a Cursed Man curtain … now where are those …. schaaaaawinnnnggg! Why I never! She is one hot little number!” said Kong. “Screw the damn books — I want her!”

NEW YORK, NY — Movie star and stunt man King Kong was seen climbing an apartment building in the Hell’s Kitchen section of Manhattan this evening. The native of Madagascar had traveled to the Big Apple to have his personal copies of Keith Rommel’s Thanatology series — the first three hardcover volumes: The Cursed Man, The Lurking Man and The Sinful Man — signed by Brahm Gallagher, the lead actor in The Cursed Man movie. Brahm had taken the copies from Kong at the front entrance and promised to sign them, but was now having second thoughts and really just wanted to spend some time with his lady friend.

“I’d really appreciate if the chap would just oblige, really,” said Mr. Kong in an interview before he began scaling the 35 story tower. “I mean it’s not like he’s a superstar yet like Leo (DiCaprio) or Sly (Stallone) or Arnie (Schwarzenegger).”

Gallagher continued to maintain his privacy in his 17th floor suite, enjoying the company of movie star girlfriend Fay Wray.

“I don’t want to see that damn ape,” Brahm was heard saying behind closed doors.

“Oh Brahmy dear — just sign the big boy’s books — and then we’ll have a little nooky wooky … smooch honey bunch!” urged the starlet.

“No! I won’t do it! His breath stinks and he smells like a sasquatch!”
exclaimed the rising star. “I’m becoming big …. you know … and I — I — should be able to make my own decisions — who is he anyway?”

"Oh Brahmy dear -- just sign the big boy's books -- and then we'll have a little nooky wooky ... smooch honey bunch!" urged the starlet.

“Oh Brahmy dear — just sign the big boy’s books — and then we’ll have a little nooky wooky … smooch honey bunch!” urged the starlet.

“Yes you are becoming big deary — real big! Oooh I can’t wait until you burst onto the scene!” exclaimed Fay.

Meanwhile, losing patience, the 30 foot tall, 4 ton stunt man scaled the 17 stories with ease and looked in an open window ….

“Blimey! I know this is him! I see the posters and — whoah Mary Queen of Scots! The bloke has a Cursed Man curtain … now where are those …. schaaaaawinnnnggg! Why I never! She is one hot little number!” said Kong. “Screw the damn books — I want her!”

(to be continued)

Key "Lincoln" movie character Thaddeus Stevens buried in Lancaster, Pennsylvania

Lancaster, PA — Thaddeus Stevens, the abolitionist played by Tommy Lee Jones in the Steven Spielberg movie “Lincoln”, is buried in Lancaster, Pennsylvania at Shreiner’s Cemetery also known as Concord Cemetery at the corner of North Mulberry and West Chestnut Streets in the city.

Stevens (1792-1868) was a key figure in convincing Abraham Lincoln to free the slaves and helped push through the 13th Amendment to the US Constitution to abolish slavery.

Details about the life of Thaddeus Stevens can be found in the new book by Joe Farrell and Joe Farley entitled “Keystone Tombstones Volume Two” recently released by Sunbury Press, Inc. of Mechanicsburg, PA.

Farrell and Farley’s books cover famous dead people found in Pennsylvania, including many interesting stories about them — many not widely known.  The pair have also located the cemetery locations of these notables.  Following is a list of famous Civil War era people found in the volumes:

“Keystone Tombstones Volume One”:

James Buchanan “Pennsylvania’s Only President”
John Burns “The Hero of Gettysburg”
Simon Cameron “Pennsylvania’s Political Kingmaker”
John White Geary “An American Success Story Few Have Heard”
Lincoln Colored Cemetery “Gone But Not Forgotten”
George Meade “The Old Snapping Turtle”
General John Fulton Reynolds “A True American Hero”
Ginnie Wade “A Tragic Love Story”

“Keystone Tombstones Volume Two”:

Winfield Scott Hancock “Hancock the Superb”
Thaddeus Stevens “The Dictator of Congress”

For more information about the Keystone Tombstone series, please see:
http://www.sunburypressstore.com/Keystone-Tombstones-Volu…