BIGFOOT ATTACKS CAMPERS! Ape Man runs off with bestselling novel!

Fort Bragg, CA — Residents near this northern California town were stunned to hear the tale of four young campers who had been hiking in the nearby redwood forest.  About 12 miles east of town, they had settled in for the evening, playing guitars, reading and smoking a little medicinal marijuana, when they were attacked by a large hairy ape-like man who ransacked their camp.

“Yeah man,” said Derek Mendocino, one of the campers, “we were just chillin’ in the trees, you know, just hangin’ out, when this nasty dude came stompin’ out of the woods, running right at us.”

bf running“Ewwwww, like, yuck!” exclaimed Skye Tyler, Derek’s girlfriend. “He smelled like, you know, like a dog that rolled in his own diarrhea, or something, you know, NASTY!”

“Dude was howlin’ like a banshee, man,” said Malcolm Nighthawk, their native American friend. “Definitely was a sasquatch — one of our ancient brothers.”

“I said … Whoa!  Dude!  Like slow down, man!” said Derek, explaining his interaction with the man beast. “I was so stunned, I swallowed my blunt!”

“He ripped up my tent and stole the novel I was reading right out of my hands!” cried Penelope Douglas, an aspiring young actress and student at UCLA. “It was my special hard cover first edition of The Cursed Man by Keith Rommel.  There are only 500 of these, you know. It’s going to be a movie with Brahm Gallagher!”

“Ahhh Brahm — he’s dreamy,” said Skye. Fortunately, she was able to snap a photo of the creature with her iPhone as it was running off with the novel.

According to Sunbury Press publisher Lawrence Knorr, the beast was estimated at ninety inches tall.

Close up of the Bigfoot near Fort Bragg California that stole a novel.

Close up of the Bigfoot near Fort Bragg California that stole a novel.

“The special edition Keith Rommel The Cursed Man is a hardcover with dust jacket six by nine inches. Comparing the book’s length to the height of the beast, it is likely about ten books tall, fully erect. That would put him at close to ninety inches — over eight feet tall!”

Knorr was kind enough to offer the young lady another copy and invited her to the Sunbury Press 10th anniversary party in Mechanicsburg, PA on September 5th at 6 PM. “Keith Rommel and Brahm will both be there to sign books,” said Knorr. “We’ll be sure to replace the young lady’s copy.”

The question that remains is why did the beast attack? And why on earth did he steal a copy of The Cursed Man by Keith Rommel when he could have nabbed food or more practical items.

According to George Grossfuss of the Bigfoot Research Center in Yakima, Washington, this was not the only instance of literary theft by these large simians.

“In 2005, a women had her copy of The DaVinci Code snapped up from her picnic blanket while camping in southern Idaho.  More recently, all three volumes of the Fifty Shades of Gray series were grabbed off of a back porch near Mokelumne Hill, California.”

Oddly enough, all were bestselling books about to become movies!

“The MO has been the same in all reports,” offered Grossfuss. “Squatch uncharacteristically makes a lot of noise and charges the site, tears up stuff, scares people, but then runs off with the bestsellers.”

“Thankfully they still like print books,” said Knorr. “I can’t imagine what they would do with a Kindle!”

One thought on “BIGFOOT ATTACKS CAMPERS! Ape Man runs off with bestselling novel!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *